Be yourself

2007-06-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

Personal Angel

After so many rounds,it was clear. The sunlight resurfacing after a period of thunderstorm. I could feel the warmth, but it is not from outside, it is from inside, deep down in my heart. This feeling, words can't be string together to describe it.

At my darkest moments, you appeared, quietly giving me the strength again.'If it is not for you, I will still be sleeping, despaired thinking that there is only darkness in life'. Watching you drifting further away from me, it broke an already vulnerable heart, it made me lose hope in everything, I thought the best way was to run away. But I knew I was just living in self deception, no way I could escape. It seemed like the wind is just not on my side,blowing me further and further away, leaving me with no other means to open up to life again.

Now, I feel there is so much to live for, the least for myself, but one big part is for you. I am giving every bit of energy, just hoping to love you one day more. A small palm but there is so much warmth in it, so much strength, reassuring me each time. It feels so comfortable, such a blessing, I can't help but to hold on longer each time, to hold tighter with every step. With every step, I put a bit more faith into us, every step is a moment to treasure.

'The dream I dare not dream, through your eyes, I then see that it is just in front of me'. You were a dream, something not real, something faraway, even in the mornings, under the cheerful sunlight, I dare not look into your eyes for fear that I will send myself to a never ending plunge. A series of confusion, a period of painful waiting, a period of guessing, a period of concealing my feelings, it was something I went through. End of it, the circles straightened out, no more of this living hell, it became the sweetest thing in this world. No one can replace you in this world, 5 years was painfully long, after so long, it was still you, there is no chance of it being a mistake.

There will be no more of me in distress, because I know for sure, my personal angel will be there. By my side, giving me confidence, making me believe in myself again. I lean on boldly each time, but was never turned away. Your words of eternity, thank you for that, it was something I want to hear....forever. If there is one wish in this world, I will wish for you to be happy forever, because the joy and happiness you offered, I can't ever repay.

Keep it safe and sound, because something that keeps me alive has been given to you.

2007-06-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

Twinkle Little Stars

There is so much to live for. To look at the stars with you once more will be my motivation to live another day. Stars will never be just a bright and faraway object anymore because I see someone else. The stars are alive now, because I have learnt to communicate with them. It makes wishes kept in the darkest corners of your heart come true.

It will stay there forever, just not obvious at times, after the rain has landed, it will be lighting up the quiet night again. Keep that faith because that star would forever be there.

2007-05-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

A walk engrave my memories deeper each time. Since some time back, not long ago, I have become more reliant than ever. So now, there are so much to hope for. Resisting, I stopped, moving on further, I continue.

Anyway, to everyone taking the Os next week, GOOD LUCK.

2007-05-12T01:13:00.000-07:00

Unbelievable.

Remembered where I started off from, remembered the chances I let it slip by, remembered how painful it felt. An unbelievable turn, it was too fast and sudden really. I have never been this bold, but somehow I had my lost courage.

Many times I had wanted to give up but you came and change my world now. I am somewhere I have never been, now I see what love means. It is so unbelievable till now, I don't wanna let it go forever won't ever walk away, shall make heaven's time for us as long.

When I think of what I have, and this chance I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and cry.
Ohh yeah, break down and cry.

2007-04-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

The Feeling Of Missing.

As you pass by that pathway, recollection of memories make you wonder why you are feeling that way. Everything starts to play, won't have time to ponder, soon you will force a bittersweet smile. Missing you, it never leaves me and I can never control it. No matter how hard I try to resist, it never work. Soaked up by this feeling, the first time in my life, it was something new. There are no limits, it seems to go on forever. At the darkest abyss of my heart, the quietest corner of my mind, it seem to be you filling them up.

Everything of you seems perfect, time never seem enough, it feels as if heaven was out to play a joke on us. Giving us that bit of time, when we have so much to say, so much to do, say I am greedy, but I will strive for more. If fate doesn't allow it, I will twist it around, had put my blood,soul and heart into this, it will be different, I can't promise but i will try. Imagining the worst, I will forbid myself but with all my heart and soul, shall lead the path to eternity. Hope you believe in me as we walk along. Will just hold on tightly and will vow to never let go, believe in that is all I ask for.

2007-04-08T05:29:00.000-07:00

Way Back Into Fate From Heaven.

So, there comes the end of going in rounds. A new beginning, a new chapter, a new life. An extraordinary gift from heaven, I will treasure with my palms tightly closed. A surprise that was not even dreamt of, it was someone so special. I will give it all for us. You have it all, the heart that was given a long time ago will remain with you till fate give up on us.

2007-03-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

Wishing well sparkling with magic

After going many never-ending rounds, everything seem to have come to a standstill. The feeling came and exploded. Just want to hold on really tightly so that I will never lose it.

It seems so easy to click together, there are so much to talk about and the feeling of missing lingers even before leaving. I want to stop the clock at times and make time standstill, because the future is never certain.

More than many times, I have leaned boldly for support, never being turned away, it touched my heart. Giving me something more than I expect each time and a new lease of life. After 4 years of missing out, I found what love is. Feeling happy is a rare candy for me, but somehow today I found lots of them.

2007-03-06T05:37:00.000-08:00

Just a moment of rest.

Often you hear that in order to succeed, you must have perseverance. You will apply this important life lesson that you learnt maybe for the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time that you face problems or failures. But what if the failures you encounter is never ending? Will you still practice what you preach others? We are all humans, where emotions will always take control of us in many things, our tolerance have a limit. It is made worse when the happiness you receive out of everything is just this mere bit, you long for something more but yet you dare not ask for more, lest you lose everything.

The limit is already broken, I am on the verge of giving up, it feels hopeless. I am tired, frustrated and is already losing sight of what is in front of me. It feels that I am not there enough, it feels that I am leaning on for too much support, it is unfair. If I wear out, so will you. I have no right, no cause to do this, still feeling guilty at times, I don't know what to do when I face a problem. My body is weakening, there is only so much I can withstand. Hide your troubles behind a smile, laugh with the others because that's the best way to make others not see through your troubles. Have no more hopes because they break you, have no more dreams because they make you fall.

2007-03-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

TEAM MATE(20 men in a team, all with a common goal)

Magical word, TEAM. If we stand together as a TEAM, we will get by I believe. Forget about yesterday's game where we have been helpless, where passes just won't string, where telepathy between us was demolished, where we were outsmarted, outplayed, where our confidence was shattered, we have to find it back together as a TEAM.

Make it count for everything, I am struggling to recover my scattered confidence, don't make me lose it anymore. Dare to dream because that's the start of everything. Won't think of the results but I want to feel the spirit and the unity because that is the only way to help me. I have this few hours left, will really focus.

2007-03-02T06:23:00.000-08:00

I have the biggest dream ever but is afraid of failing. I am afraid that disappointment look for me. I am tired, beaten and worn out. Persevering, I want to finish this effort after 4 years, I don't want to leave the luscious green with my head hanging low.

Take life for granted and fate will make you pay, through every struggle, there must be hope in front. Treasure all that you have, every single person that is around you. Cause there might be a time where they will leave you forever. Hold on close to you, never take their precious time with you for granted.

Cheer up if you feel you have been wronged, get through this day bravely because I will be there with you.

2007-02-23T00:07:00.000-08:00

Heaven don't let me down again. Hold on tightly please.

2007-02-16T06:03:00.000-08:00

Tears in Heaven, flowing down during the spring showers. Smell of that floral scent brings back reminisce of that spring. In the open, laid a big piece of space, sat down and watched the sunset.

2007-02-14T06:25:00.000-08:00

Shooting stars taking my soul to this Faraway land

Words cannot really describe what I am feeling right now. Time does not seem to matter so much anymore. If I had a wish tonight, I would wish for eternity. If I had a dream tonight, I hope you will appear. If there is any doubt, you took it all away.

You brought along not only the sounds of Laughters but also the joy that you brought into my life. Takes everything out of me but will make it crystal clear. On this special day, I am certain about myself. Please know that I meant whatever I said. This feeling has taken control of me, feeling myself surrounded by a whirlwind, while everything outside it is a blur,inside I could see it so clear. Void of fears now, the world became so colourful.

Takes Everything out of it, but THANK YOU for appearing in my life, THANK YOU for all that you have given me, THANK YOU. Lastly, will just keep praying for this love to last forever.

2007-02-02T00:52:00.000-08:00

I have one last wish. Win this year's Nationals, somehow a miracle must happen. Take my last dream away and turn it into dust, won't let them happen somehow.

2007-01-28T21:56:00.000-08:00

Important as you are.

Something more important than the most important thing in this world. It started off with a different tone but now it is deeper and something I can't really describe. All I know is that I want to hold on forever without letting go. I dare not think about the future but will treasure the present. Still scared that one day it will all disappear and I will be back to where I started off. Appearing at the darkest part of my life, the light was sufficient to make me have a little more courage than usual. Don't contemplate anymore, just keep walking.

2007-01-26T04:19:00.000-08:00

Knots tie hearts together. Fate outline the paths for everyone. Believing in destiny, letting fate bring you to the supposed ending, no longer hoping. Last dream, to win in the Nationals. Make it happen somehow.

2007-01-16T05:04:00.000-08:00

Deception is key

How long can he continue putting on this act? Deceiving everyone in this world except himself? Does anyone understand how cruel this feeling is, inflicting pain on every part of his already fragile heart. No one could see through him, he lets everyone have their way, cause silly remarks can't make him angry anymore, can't even make him feel anything at all.

Why is this way full of obstacles? He wants answers to everything, he has got so much to tell anyone, words just can't spill out. He motivates himself, trying to make himself believe everything will just turn out fine. Certain things just get more and more cloudy. The sky is never clearing up.

He is already using his very last reserve of strength to hold on, carefully concealing the cracks that are dying to pop out and expose those ugly scars to the rest of the world. In people's eyes, he seems so perfect, wait till you know the whole truth. One day if he fails and all comes crumbling down, he will have to make the hardest choice in his life, because things have just got more complicated than ever. Tears of a broken heart seems to never stop flowing, wells around the eyes before trickling down slowly, moving down your cheeks, so cold it feels until you finally taste it, the saltiness making you remember how bad you feel. How he wishes that one day, when he wakes up, this nightmare will come to an end because he can't hold on anymore longer, just too tired inside. But that hope is slowly vanishing because hope doesn't exist for him anymore.

2007-01-04T23:54:00.000-08:00

Motivation comes from inside. What an important lesson I have learnt.
Will make good use of it, falling and picking yourself up is the process of getting forward.
Everything is just going to turn out right.

2006-12-25T23:42:00.000-08:00

The great warrior.

The sound of the rain is still stuck in his head.
The hope for the sun has already died out, washed away by the raindrops.
Things have not been spoken, quietly anticipating.
Leaving things as it is, the consequences becomes unclear.
Miracles might just happen, but futile and empty efforts are history.
Only miracles can make things happen.

Don't know how to put it in words anymore.
Don't know how he is going to believe again.
Don't know how how to look at it again.
Don't know how to stop the rain.
Don't know where he isat anymore.
Don't know what is in your mind.
Don't know what is not knowing anymore.

Take it all and wrap it in a parcel. Keep it safely. Hide it away until the end of time. Happy mixed with bitterness brings an unforgettable feeling. Sourness mixed with sadness brings an unique aftertaste. All he could see in front was his own reflection then it cracks bit by bit. He is already into pieces but it has never been obvious to anyone. Putting on the golden armour, with his mighty sword, he created a door to his true feelings, the keys were never found. The heart seems far away hidden by the armour, blocked by his silver shield. He seemed unbreakable because he is well protected Believe me, his strength has been revived, he don't need a heart to tell him his feelings cause he soon will cease to have any.

2006-12-23T03:41:00.000-08:00

Far Away(Nickelback)

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
Cause you know, you know, you know

[Chorus]
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give upCause you know, you know, you know

[Chorus]
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
(So far away)
far away for far too long
So far away
far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

that I wanted
I wanted you to stay
Cause I needed
I need to hear you say:
I love you
(I love you)
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
(and I forgive you)
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathingCause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
(Keep breathing)
Hold on to me and never let me go
(Keep breathing)
Hold on to me and never let me go

2006-12-21T21:51:00.001-08:00

Rain Rain Go Away

I can't stand the weather anymore. The rain seems to be just pouring on forever, feeling sad because I have been bored for too long and because I have thought just too much for the past few days. The more I think, the more frustrated I get. Thoughts seem to pile up higher and higher, but evrything seems not accesible at all.

Rain pouring down, lengthening the distance from the end, giving me time to recollect everything. I just can't figure out the next step to anything. Could feel myself losing grip, the tighter my grip the faster it is just quietly slipping away. Want to say everything out loud but don't know how, want to hold on forever, but am afraid, want to make it true but seems confusing enough.

Later will be training, will go down and do my best. All seems hopeless but I have learnt not to give up anymore, think whatever you all want, don't bother telling me anymore.

Missing just goes on....

2006-12-20T01:03:00.000-08:00

Faraway and Near

I have always thought that I had everything sorted out. I will know how to react in any situation, so all these left me feeling very well prepared. But now I realised what a fool I have been. Now I realised that everything is different. There is so many things to think but yet at the same time there is practically nothing to think. It seems very easy, but yet so hard at the same time. I don't know where to start,how to start and what to do anymore. I don't even know something so simple as to what I really want. I don't know anything in fact, people are right when they ask me,"what you know?". I am always lagging behind, never in front, never taking charge, never the one who will be making decisons.

I am not good at guessing things, I am terrible at it thats why I will have to spend so much time to figure something so simple. What am I supposed to do? Will the move I make be appropriate? I haven't conquer my fear of failing at all, I am still the same me all along. I don't know how, spent today thinking, so far got nothing other than people saying that I am stone. Who would want to be like this if given a choice? How am I to cope when there are so many things for me to figure out? When can things be just simple and pure as it is?

I don't know what I am thinking now too, but I am sure that this feeling is stronger than anything I have ever felt and I afraid that it will be all gone. I don't want to be so dependent, but I can't seem to control anything. What am I to do? Follow your heart is what I have thought will work, but having a hopeless mind like me didn't help at all. Seems so funny, brings back a slight smile, me pretending not to look when you walk into the room.

I want to do something but I am really at a lost, need a hint or clue, but it seems so faraway, out of my reach. What is there left to piece it out? At times everything seems so clear, then the fog will come to prevent me from seeing easy things. Want to take the plunge into a place where I will hide myself at times.

Never ever missed someone so bad, one of a kind experience I was left with. Can't figure out that feeling that I am going through too, is that what people call love? But I haven't figure out what that is too....Somehow in the deep end of my heart, I know that you will be the brightest star, the prettiest and the most beautiful and outstanding in my eyes.

2006-12-17T00:56:00.000-08:00

Faraway

A thousand miles that made me weaker. I seem to have lost myself in the middle of no where, trying hard to be more independent, never thought I would end up like this. A thousand miles away, your laughter becomes softer and softer but your face becomes clearer. Wonder what's that strange feeling that I am going through, it is stronger than anything I have ever felt in this lifetime.

I brace myself to act this accident out and to end this chapter with lots to rememeber. Places brings back joyful memories, so happy they had you in it. It created a facade of happiness, fairytale and I am the little happy boy.

Still missing you, no second thought to anything from now on.

2006-12-16T05:52:00.000-08:00

Mistake

I thought I had grown up, I had managed to understand and figure out the confusion of everything. I thought I was strong, I try time and again to make myself not so dependent on anything but somehow I have totally failed.

I don't know whether it is a good or bad thing. It frightens me so much that I dared not think about it at times. I realised that it was not me that had become stronger, it was someone's else strength that held my already dissipated soul in place all along. I have cleverly deceived myself into beliving that I had already grown out of my shell, that I would have the power to overcome all odds.

Now I realised my folly, my mistake but I do not really know what to do anymore. I am tired out trying and failing all the time, it wears me out, there is a limit to everything. I hope the day never comes when my last bit of extra strength decide to walk out on me.

2006-12-09T20:41:00.000-08:00

Fairytales and Deception falling into place

I am speechless listening to the legends of fairytales. So confused whether to still ever believe in them, when you were young, your parents will always tell you it is only a story but you will look at them as if they are stupid or something because deep down inside your heart, you quietly believe in them. Now when you are all grown up, one side of you know that all these fairytales are nothing but more than overly riched imagination. But one side of you still secretly believe that MAYBE they will be true. You are caught in between, follow your human side or to follow what knowledge has educated you throughout the years.

It is just like this all the time,getting caught in between. Not advancing or retreating, just stuck in the middle. This is made worse when you realise that while you are caught in between, time is passing you by, leaving no time for you to taste that bit of sweetness. Watching everything fall into place, I open my eyes wide trying to see every single movement, making sure I remember the process.

Your hurry and confused appearance, I quietly smile while admiring it. So clear and transparent, it is like the waves,vshhhh....as it hits the shores. So soothing to the ears, so refreshing when you think about it. Till now, I never fail to manage a slight smile when that sight resurface from all my confusion.

2006-12-08T19:28:00.000-08:00

Simple love

I have made up my mind, it's okay now I guess. I have decided what I am going to do no matter what the situation may be. Love should just be pure and simple, keep it that way and it will all be easier. Everything is going to be just fine, I keep convincing myself. I am stronger than before, I will be able to cope. It is just going to come and go, then after that everything will be back to before.

2006-12-06T18:09:00.000-08:00

It's just me

I am just human, I do get tired at times. Why can't you all understand? Many things is not that obvious at all and I do not want to figure them out. Things are good as it is. I don't want to go back to reality. Fantasy is sweeter although it is a life of self-deception.

2006-12-02T20:59:00.000-08:00

Wish me happy birthday

I am over feeling blue, thought through many things, witnessed many things throughout the week. I realised what is most important and will continue working towards it. It seems easy, just closing to the door to everything, you won't take notice of anyone. Shhhh....just keep quiet and people won't realise that I am sitting in that empty box all alone.

Sweetness and pain everyone has gone through, so fast for anyone to comprehend both. Till now, both seems to come in a package and you can't reject either one. Isn't that true?Think carefully please. When someday you realised this, you will become less dependent and will be able to wear problems down whenever you face them. Take your chances being young, slowly but surely, you will find your true destiny. Be patient, take failures and dissapointment in your stride and don't let it eat into your life. This is what I preach but can I practice it? I will tell you this, I will TRY.

Destiny will then lead to eternity, that's what it is called,true love.

2006-11-27T17:50:00.000-08:00

The sky is grey as if it has been crying. It didn't look so beautiful to me today. A slight sprain on my ankle didn't make things better, feeling beaten up on the inside, I struggle to contain my frustration.

Sometimes, many things make you wonder what you do is right, the hesitation is always the problem. Certain times, everything feels right, at others not even words of blessings can mend my shattered self. When the path seems to have cleared, it tricks you into taking the next step. When you have done that, thats when you realised and fear that everything might be a mistake.

I will walk along with you till the end, even if there is no result, I can bear it. I know your pain is the promise I gave.

2006-11-26T23:45:00.000-08:00

I thought I was not very popular in the school, people won't be intersted in my affairs. I am just a nobody in this school, nothing great or fantastic to commend about. But the only thing that brings me great joy is that I know many people of my level. From the first class to the last, I have at least a few friends in each one. Not trying to boast at all. Having good human relations can help you when you are in need of help. So it is supposed to be a good thing right? But NO, it turned out that it is these people who I regard as friends making such bad comments about everything.

Is it human nature to be curious? Is it just that people take immense joy in poking into other people's affairs?I personally think that it is okay just to know,but not when you go spread around stuff that you hear. Is this how friends behave?I thought knowing a lot of people in the school is a blessing but never did I expect one day people will have their fun spreading things about me. I thought I had many reliable friends. I just realised that true friends are very few around, the rest are just fakers who pretend to be nice to you and stab you in the back the next moment.

Screw off, you people. I don't need you to know anything and worse go spread stuff. Think it is fun?Wait till one day it happens on you. If you are not sincere in being my friend, just get the hell lost. Maybe my key weakness is that I am just nice to everyone and people take advantage of that. But too bad for all those people trying to make fun of me, I don't care anymore.

2006-11-24T09:34:00.000-08:00

Time

Time doesn't wait for anyone. I have seen the lost and the broken wondering around,eyes wide open but when you look into them, you see nothing. No sparkle of life, no rush of any energy. It is scary no doubt, not much difference from fighting a losing battle. Since the day you were born, you were already initiated into the game and there is no such thing as retreating.

There's so many things I hesitated,I waited, I thought and I realised that it was so foolish of me. Certain things don't require thinking really, just follow your heart and carve your own path. You might think that taking a step back to think is the right thing to do but many of times is the most silly thing to do ever. Wasting that few precious moments, you either just wasted a golden opportunity or you just made the battle a little bit closer to the end. The end is you lose. Cause there's no way you can beat time.

I have been beaten too many times, no chance for any comeback, just waiting for the inevitable end to come.

2006-11-22T04:49:00.000-08:00

The last time

All my years in SJI, I have got nothing to show. In studies is like this, in hockey is the same too. I see other CCAs winning medals, while I　can only dream that one day it will be my turn to walk up and receive my medal.

I trained extremely hard during trainings last year thinking that we stood a chance. Thinking that we were a strong team, there was a chance for us to win. But during the Nationals, it was an eye-opener for me, I got to see how much we sucked compared to the other teams. But I didn't give up then, I continued to work hard, made it to the team again this year. But things decide to go against my will again, I remembered clearly, the moment I stepped onto the field, I saw an ACSI attacker came charging towards me, I did everything correct, bent down and focused on the ball. But he was too good for me, he got me wrong-footed before crashing into me,face on. My spectacles flew off, I was blind for that brief moment. He passed the ball and they scored. It was all my fault. I had caused us to be a goal down. While we were desperately chasing for an comeback, they scored again. The game ended 3-1.

Now when trainings finally resumed, I no longer have the drive to work hard anymore. I am trying very hard to motivate myself but sometimes it seems impossible. But maybe having failed too many times, failng once more doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I am gonna give my best one last time, the very last time.

2006-11-20T06:56:00.000-08:00

Is it possible?

I know being sad can't change anything. Then let me be more honest with myself now. So long as the cliff's height is not too high, maybe I will fight my own desperation to succeed. If the doors are open and I can find my way in, I am sure I can leave with pride. Cause in this world, nothing is too big for me anymore. I have grown up, learnt that being sad and helpless won't solve my problems. But no matter the armour of confidence I have, deep down I know I still fear myself. Loneliness is cold, it freezes you inside. Makes you feel weak and numb. Fear eats away everything including your courage. Leave you only weaker and weaker each time you fight it.

Make me believe its possible,someone. I will overcome myself. So now the question is "Is it possible?"

2006-11-17T02:30:00.000-08:00

Still Fantasy

Lights lighting up the dark streets, I will walk there. Cause it is my fantasy, nothing can ever stop me. I will say those words of blessing out loud, I will make it memorable and sweet. The light breeze, orange sky at evening, I will walk along, quietly observing every single detail making sure I remember them deeply. The beautiful picture I've got it all in mind. I can imagine so clearly that somehow I have started on my daydreaming syndrome.

The outcome I will never know, but I can't care much. A broken soldier inside, I am hollow but I am still alive and walking. So long as fate allows it, the end won't be so soon. It is a painting in my mind now, so beautiful to me and I can't help but to think of it every single moment.

But fantasy will always be fantasy, there must be an end. But going through it is good enough for me, I won't be affected much by it, but that doesn't mean that I will forget and plunge down into darkness. I saw hope at the bottom and that led me to climb upwards but if I am going to fall again because of my foolishness, I will take the plunge with no remorse. I am determined.

2006-11-06T23:47:00.000-08:00

I Have Realised

To this time, I am still the same, the loneliness of the night makes people sad easily. The moonlight which becomes bright head on, pulls the shadows long, slowly walking down the street without any destination. Long before, I have once heard a lot about love affairs, they don't have results but only leave the tinge of emotion if a hurt person. It made me deliberately avoid it, solely because I didn't dare believe in love. You treated me well sincerely, unexpectedly making me feel surprised each time, making me give out cheers.

Took me long but I finally got it all mapped out, took courage but I finally did it, took me time but I had the patience. I will stop daydreaming. Still believing that fantansies can be real, still living in deception, it's time I use my own hands to create my own world of fantasy. This beautiful world I know for sure, there will be no troubles, no worries just my own fantansies. This world will be created just for you. If love is deception, I won't mind being decepted a million times, so long as there will be that one out of a million which is true, that bit of pain, I am willing to bear. Things have not been spoken, the whole world nearly understands what that is and I get out of the way smiling embarrassingly. Being an idiot once is enough but courage sometimes just won't obey when you need it.

If today, I am going to lose all I have in front of my eyes, I don't care if I've got nothing left because only you can't be replaced. You are everything in my life.

2006-11-03T04:45:00.000-08:00

Heros of my life

He fell from great heights, landed on the pavement. His body lifeless, only the faint breathings could be heard. He laid there for what seemed like eternity. While he thought he wasn't going to make it, he could almost feel himself right outside the gates of death. He thought it was over, everything was over, he had lost. While he began to allow himself to drift away slowly, an angel appeared.

In his confusion, he could not comprehend what was going on, he just stayed still and forced to keep his eyes wide open. The strong arms picked him up, he did not resist, it was comfortable. He allowed himself to fall into a deep sleep. In his dreams, he could see happiness, joy and the many things in the world he never realised. He never knew these things were true, he never believed in them but he could taste the sweetness of it. He was afraid to wake up, he never wanted what he was experiencing to end but still life was harsh on him.

He woke up, not knowing what to expect, but he saw sunlight, the warmth was the same
as those he experienced in the angel's arms. He saw hope, he gained his strength, he was revived. He vowed to never lose his strength from that day onwards. My friends are like the angels in this story, picking me up after each fall, giving me that extra power to carry on. To all of you who has helped me in one way or another, I say a big THANK YOU!!

2006-10-31T20:11:00.000-08:00

A.M.C.J

That faithful day in Secondary One, his friend brought a yearbook of his primary school. As he flipped through the pages, a very Mesmerizing face caught his attention, the face that he will never ever forget for the rest of his life. It was the sweetest thing ever, love at first sight.

He never intended to let anyone know till one of his best of friends questioned him one day, and sort of guess it. There was once in Secondary Two, a friend decided to invite her over for lunch with the hockey people, he did his best to deceive others but only not himself. He could not even muster the courage to say a Hi. He so much wanted to give her a better day other than lunch but he just could not open his mouth to speak those beautiful words.

Then, while everything seemed to be in a blur, another came to his life. He told me that this was different and he often could find that bit of comfort that he longed for. Now he is confused, he can't forget the girl of his dreams and he too has gradually liked this girl. Sometimes, he thinks so much that he can't feel happy anymore. He told me he was confused, but he still had keep that lost courage. I know he wants to really know himself, still in the midst, he is still trying. Boy oh Boy, drop the act and start making your feelings known to her, cause clinging on to false hopes is no use. So treasure her as she is a gift and not to give up so early till you walked finish the whole journey.

2006-10-28T01:01:00.000-07:00

Happy

The amber coloured dusk is like sweets in a beautiful faraway place. The search for this faraway place continues, while keeping firmly in my mind your temperament and face. A chunk of clouds drop in front of me, makes up your form, following me with the wind, one mouthful and another eating away my worries. After all, the calmness of this place will definitely be one of a kind.

The pencil in my hand, moves back and forth on the paper, I use a few words to describe who you are to me. Every part of you has been engraved in my memories, difficult to put them in words. But soon, takes time but it is going to be very different again. Certain things I still feel so lost in the midst of this confusion, hope I can get an answer soon.

2006-10-26T04:32:00.000-07:00

The tunnel of darkness

He headed into the tunnel of darkness. Lost his soul during the journey and exited the tunnel, relieved that the darkness has ended. But fate had to play a trick on him, throwing him into another tunnel of darkness just when he started to see the beauty of the light.

Now,he is never afraid of the dark,the feeling of fear is no longer with him, you might say that he has became stronger but in actual fact the feeling of fear has deserted him because he has simply gone through it too many times. He spent hours trying hard to figure all this out but he couldn't. Trying is never a case for him as he will never ever succeed. Left out, confused, what else could he do? All that was left for him was to wait for the saving hands of God to pick his broken soul and put everything back into what it should have been.

Through it all, it was the beauty of this world that kept him going and his determination to find himself. The mended soul we pray will never be broken again or left out in the dark but able to roam freely to enjoy the gifts that the world has to offer.

2006-10-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

Moon And Stars

The darker the night, the more my dream disobeys, it is just hard to chase and enjoy in retrospect. The dark sky at night make me cringe with fear as it represents a tint of lonliness and hopelessness. I remembered once during the real run overnight stay in school, my friend and I got an opportunity to admire the dark sky. As i gazed at the endless piece of darkness, I knew from then on that I feared the dark too.

But luckily there is the moon which seemed so close to the stars but actually they are so far apart. Both light up the night sky a little to give you this sense of life. The moon is the main source of light while the stars are just there to beautify the night sky. Moonlight is only so superficial compared to the twinkling of the stars which most will say it is beautiful. The stars joined together to form a line. I love the stars and the moon but not when the sky is without these two. I hope I can always see them no matter when because I fear darkness. Hope that never come the day where I will be alone.

Through all this, maybe and maybe there will be no end. Let's just not look backwards and just keep on walking, because I do not want to reach the finishing point so soon..

2006-10-20T04:37:00.000-07:00

No more of me being lonely

I have discovered that my fear now is to be alone. I don't like eating alone or walking in the dark alone, with only my shadow beside me. This kind of lonliness is what I am afraid most of.

That day, was one of the rare days where I actually had lots of fun. Hanging out with this friend whom I have known since Secondary One, the full of crap and jovial self of him finally revealed after a long long time. Suddenly we were back to before, our lost carefree days.

We did the usual stuff, played pool but he had to so randomly ask me, "Wee kang do you erm ****?". I stared at him in surprise and before I could react he said you "Master ********".(All those who are my close friends will know what I am talking about). It was not long before we both burst out in laughter. So we continued our usual stuff and it was not long before we saw 2 girls holding hands. We stared at them for awhile before looking at each other playfully, both of us were thinking about the same thing. But sadly, we both hesitated and could not go on to make fun of them by also holding hands and walking beside them. Stupid girls! Jokes came and both us ended laughing so much that we were holding on to our stomachs. "Free abs training".

Such happy days are hard to come by, but it was really stupid and fun that day. Though you ask me to say what I want to say quickly,there are just too many stumbling blocks in front of me. Give me more time till I straighten out everything maybe one day it might just work out. Never thought that I still keep my lost courage with me,really want to ask again, will you wait or leave?

The sky can never be blue again without your smile, the ocean would have never been beautiful if I were to be admiring it alone. The temperature in my body would be freezing cold, with me freezing slowly on the inside if you are not around to give me that bit of warmth. The mundane world is intoxicated, the years of being slightly drunken,I use no regrets to carve a stone tablet for my eternal love to you.

2006-10-14T18:08:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to my closest friend

Why does things always have to be so similar? Like somehow our fate intertwines and almost everything in our life is similar. Even the people closest to our hearts are also going to leave at the very end, taking away our soul and heart and leaving only our lifeless corpse as they go. Maybe it is because of these similarities that we became such good friends.

I still remembered in Secondary 1, that mushroom head, blur and really funny guy who turns up for training at the wrong time. At that time, all of us were so happy, spending our time training and playing games and "twigging". Those were the good old days that were harshly taken away from us. At the beginning of Secondary 2, we were still about the same but this very same self was not to survive the inevitable changes in our lives. Now we have long forgotten the sweetness of happiness and the freedom of a carefree life.

Maybe you are right, me and you can never ever bring ourselves to replace, with another person. Both our stars in that faraway world will be living in our lifeless souls. I pray that all the bad things that happened to me will not be the same for you and all the good things that happened to me will be double for you. Hopefully, both of us can really find our own form of happiness one day.

2006-10-12T17:35:00.000-07:00

The key in my life

It was at this very moment that I felt really scared. When I just realised that my life picture is in your hands. Still hanging in mid-air by the thin thread that you hold, I am very scared that one day you will decide to break this very thread and let me plunge downwards into that bottomless pit where I can no longer come back up.

I realised that you were the one all along, the one that kept me going and I am so scared that one day I might just have to take this dreadful plunge, I am still not mentally prepared. It was you that I had the courage to face the things that I have never thought I would be able to do it. I will walk with you to the very end, let's just not contemplate too much but just continue walking. Let me continue living in this fantasy cause I never want to come back to reality. The burning candle in your heart will continue forever, keeping you warm forever so long as you continously put in those memories that we share.

2006-10-06T06:49:00.000-07:00

Broken picture of my life

The faded patches in my life destroyed the happy picture of my life and sometimes this make me wonder whether I really do have a life. Maybe it is that I have long become numb that I can now no longer feel anything. The whole week went by, all I knew was the I was a living like a zombie, living life aimlessly.
One day, I pray that it will al dissppear but it is something so far away from me. No matter how hard I try, it never works. But i hope that at once, just like that, I can be a happy person again, the person who I really am. The mischevious, jovial, talkative and leading that carefree life. I dream of a simple life and I know I can't give up no matter what! Cause I still have dreams that I have not fulfilled and these are my motivation pillars. I still have friends who lift me up each time I fall. I really appreciate them cause they are one of the best things that ever happen to me.

I am working hard now cause I finally know what I want. But certain things just takes time but I am never ever going to give up!

2006-10-06T06:39:00.000-07:00

Memories

Memories, the most priceless and beautiful thing in this world, where no one can take them away from you. Keeping them all inside my heart close to me. Treasuring each and every single one of them, hoping that one day I will not only have these left. Maybe one day, that will be the only thing that I've got left. Still holding on so tightly, hoping that my wish will come true.

2006-09-29T04:37:00.000-07:00

How much that boy likes you!

Liking someone is when he thinks of her almost everytime when he is alone. Liking someone is when he would spend hours daydreaming about him and possibly her. Liking someone is when he feels so empty the moment she leaves him. Liking someone is when he wouldn't mind doing anything for her. Liking someone is when he will stare into space,and see her smile lighting up the sky. Thats how much that boy like you... Still in his first few uncertain steps, walking so carefully hoping that he dosen't slip and fall so that he would never lose sight of that shadow in front of him.

Still thinking and praying hard that one day, our world can be pieced into one!

2006-09-23T07:12:00.000-07:00

A good question???

One day I suddenly asked myself this: Why do I like you? I thought for a few days without arriving with an answer. Until now I still can't figure out why you are so special? Maybe it is just yourself that is so special in some way, I really don't know.

Your hair swaying in the breeze, your face so emotionless, and your eyes always so busy as if you are thinking of something. You just leave this silly guy speechless almost everytime and his heart always skip a beat when you are somewhere near.

You are still stuck in my mind, just making me even crazier over you each day!

2006-09-13T06:34:00.000-07:00

Mr ACT BIG!

So what if you've got authority in this school? You think you can make use of this special powers as and when you like? So you think that you can make life diffcult for anyone that you don't like?

Let me tell you this, whatever more workload you give me, do you think I will just admit defeat? Do you think that by doing this you can show off your authority? I know you don't like me, hopefully not for personal reasons but whatever reasons I don't care! To tell you this, I am not really scared if you are really out to make it difficult for me, I've got friends to help me through this phase, friends who are willing to offer advices, these are people who can make a difference in my life, not YOU! So if you, Mr ACT BIG, think that you can break me down, I suggest you think again because you also have to break down my friends too. And if you really got the right points, confront me and talk to me face to face! Not just behind my back!

If you really want others to respect you, you should learn to respect others first. If any tips I can kindly offer you that is to stop putting on airs man! You only mingle around with people of your standard, don't you find that a bit loser? What about the rest, is not just about the running of this thing, it is also the bonds between the people involved that are important! Think by the strength of this few people you have supporting you, you can make this whole thing work? Think again! You will need everyone to be working for you, not just you and yourself. Maybe you think differently, I really don't know but all I can say is that not many people are willing to think like you and in order for you to be successful, you can either convince others to think like how you do, or is time you start accepting other people's views.

I remembered the moment you walked away, when someone who was maybe not your "standard" was trying to give his views and all you said was "I am out of here" or something like that at least. That shows your personality, that you are the kind that just want people to listen to you, you want to take charge of everything!You think you can judge others by the way they behave, of course people can do the same too! It is high time you stop the screwing up and make this thing a better one...

Dedicated to my friend

2006-09-10T02:10:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to one of my closest friend!

The smile you just can't forget, the love that you just had to keep on believing. We are the same in many ways including this so maybe I understand best how you feel now. I pray for you that one day you will find your way out of this mess and be the happy, jovial self that you once were. I hope you will have the guts to face up and deal with it strongly. But be rest assured, you've got a friend that will help you all the way. And I am dead sure that the others will help you too. Stay strong always please...

You are still stuck in my mind, cant forget you forever!

The feeling of uncertainty

2006-09-04T23:31:00.001-07:00

The fusion of that simplicity yet playful face is something that I will never ever forget. The way you walked to the way you smiled, I can imgaine me and you together, maybe one day. Everytime I stare into space, that face never fails to appear. Your face without make-up, yet I have fallen wildly in love with. Your smile light up my world and your laughter liven my world. Something which I can never ever in this lifetime forget.

I saw one thing last night, something that distracted me the whole night and that is the photo. Thoughts collided together in the right place and I finally got the complete picture of the whole thing. After months of thinking and thinking, maybe it is time I understand the fact that this not even competition anymore, it is a choice that you have already made up, I will try but I will dissappear very slowly soon
when you have made yourself clear.

I could see how compatible you guys are actually snd that I am the real loser in this whole thing, partly beacuse I still can't pluck up my courage to confess. Things that require courage to deal with are things that you have to make decisions and a wrong move means there is no turning back. The happiness in your faces I could see clearly and I know deep down that I have just lost out by that one step. I don't really know what to do or is there even anything that I can do.

Why must it always be like this? Even my closest of friends is also in the plight as me.WHY??? Is it really fated to be like this or is it that I did not take my opportunities well? Maybe one day when you find out, you will never talk to me again, I can't predict yet and I don't really care. But if I were to give up on you, it will be because I love you too much. But that's when I am convinced that he loves you more than I do, only then that I can bring myself to walk away. But be convinced that this very flame will burn and provide the warmth you need now and always.

Still stuck in my mind, now and always....

A world of unfairness

2006-09-03T06:15:00.001-07:00

This unfair world

Why must this world be so unfair? Why can't everyone be the the same? Where there is no one better or worse than each other? Why are some people so good in many ways? While others have to suffer in silence and pain?

If everyone is suffering together, then suffering would not be suffering or if everyone is just the same, where no one is suffering then the world would definitely be a better place to live in. If I had one wish now, I would wish for the sufferings of this world to dissappear entirely. I hoped that one day, I can make this world a place without sufferings.

Still stuck in my mind,you, I hoped that you would always be happy please!

A world of unfairness

2006-09-03T06:15:00.000-07:00

Why must this world be so unfair? Why can't everyone be the the same? Where there is no one better or worse than each other? Why are some people so good in many ways? While others have to suffer from all kinds of sufferings in this world?

If everyone is suffering together, then suffering would not be suffering or if everyone is just the same, where no one is suffering then the world would definitely be a better place to live in. If I had one wish now, I would wish for the sufferings of this world to dissappear entirely. I hoped that one day, I can make this world a place without sufferings.

Still stuck in my mind,you, I hoped that you would always be happy please!

My struggle

2006-08-31T03:25:00.000-07:00

My struggle

As I stood at the bus-stop in the morning, listening quietly to the falling raindrops, I suddenly felt like crying, with no apparent reason. I guess it is just that my life is too screwed up and it was as if the sky was crying for me too. What a great way to start a day but I got sadder by the moment as I thought about the events that happened yesterday.

I went for parent-teacher meeting yesterday and I got humiliated by my teacher. I don't know what's wrong with this world, it is like I just can't fit into this world no matter how hard I try. Everytime I try to take a step forward, the whole world is like pushing me back, do you know the feeling of trying very hard yet not achieving anything other than failures and crticisms? I guess, no one will know it other than me. I have been trying very hard, so hard that I don't know what to do anymore and at times,I really feel like giving up.

My form teacher said that I always "show face" though I don't know how or since when I ever did that. My goodness, as if my life is not bad enough, now people must find fault with my face. The threats to de-tie me because I am not a good prefect is seriously enough...I know I can't be a good one but who cares, I just want to be myself no matter whether I am wearing my tie. I don't want to try and be another person, I want to be myself. And most of the times that i got into trouble, is not entirely my fault, is just that I am always so unlucky to do the wrong things at the wrong time.

Then what's worse came,my teacher feels that I haven't put in enough effort in my studies,i can't stomach that.. Just because I screwed up my elementary maththematics does not mean that I am slacking. You are not really supposed to judge how much I study by looking at my results only, is not fair to me. But come to think of it, the world is never fair to me.

I am seriously tired, maybe one day I can just fade away slowly, and I bet no one would even give a hoot. I am just a nobody in this huge world, trying too hard to be somebody. This world is a stage that is too big for me, although I always seem as if I don't care, it is easy to always put on this strong front, but inside I am just dying off bit by bit, it is just too depressing.

Still clinging on to that bit of hope that one day our world will be united, but at this point of time, i still don't know yet. The candle I hold for you is burning ever brightly while consuming itself just to keep it there.

Just hope that one day all this obstacles will come to an end and I could just be the happy, cheerful and KIND boy that I was.. A dream so pure yet something that seemed so impossible.

The real world

2006-08-29T05:40:00.000-07:00

Remember the days where we could do whatever we want, like in primary school and lower secondary? Those were the really carefree days for me where i did not really cared about anything. But as i grow up to secondary three, my life changed completely, everything became different. I tried my best to adapt but i just cant anymore. At times , i really want to go back to those days... i really miss all those stupid things i have done and gone through with my friends and i promise i will never forget them...
You Are STUCK in my mind, and being able to see you is already enough

Newbie

2006-07-14T06:04:00.000-07:00

construting